When Trauma Doesn’t Look Like Trauma: Understanding Relational Trauma in Women

What comes to mind when you hear the word trauma or PTSD?

You might think of a car accident, a war veteran, or someone who has survived physical or sexual abuse. And yes—these are traumatic experiences. They often threaten our sense of physical and emotional safety, triggering the body’s protective responses: fight, flight, or freeze, fawn. In those moments, the brain floods with cortisol and prepares to survive.

But that’s not the whole picture.

There’s another form of trauma—often quieter, but just as impactful. One that many high-functioning women carry without realizing it. It’s called relational trauma, and it stems from the subtle, repeated experiences of being unseen, misunderstood, or emotionally unsupported—especially in childhood.

What Is Relational Trauma?

Relational trauma doesn’t require a single catastrophic event. It builds slowly, through moments where your emotional needs were dismissed, minimized, or misunderstood.

Imagine a toddler crying after another child takes his toy. His parent laughs and says, “You’re fine, stop crying.” This may seem small—but in that moment, the child learns:

• My feelings aren’t important.

• Crying is bad.

• I’m alone with this.

Now, imagine this same dynamic repeating—day after day, year after year. These moments teach a child how to disconnect from their emotions and their bodies, suppress their needs, and perform for approval.

Relational trauma isn’t about having “bad” parents or a visibly dysfunctional home. It’s about chronic emotional misattunement—where no one really saw you, soothed you, or helped you make sense of your feelings. Even if your physical needs were met, your emotional experience may have been neglected.

What It Looks Like in Adulthood

Many women who experienced relational trauma wouldn’t label it as such. In fact, they often say:

• “My childhood wasn’t that bad.”

• “It’s not like I was abused.”

• “Other people had it worse.”

But the body and mind remember what the brain tries to minimize.

If you’ve experienced relational trauma, you might find yourself:

• Constantly second-guessing your feelings or decisions

• Struggling with self-doubt, low self-esteem, or a harsh inner critic

• Craving closeness but finding relationships confusing or overwhelming

• Choosing partners who invalidate you—or pushing away the ones who don’t

• Using perfectionism or people pleasing to earn love or safety

• Feeling emotionally numb, shut down, or disconnected

• Battling anxiety, burnout, or high-functioning overwhelm

• Experiencing physical symptoms like headaches, digestive issues, or chronic pain

Relational trauma doesn't always scream—it whispers. And sometimes it’s buried beneath years of high achievement and holding it all together.

You're Not Broken—You Adapted

The patterns you're struggling with now were once brilliant survival strategies. You learned how to keep the peace, stay lovable, and stay safe. But what helped you survive may now be holding you back from living fully.

That’s not weakness. That’s trauma.

And the good news is: healing is absolutely possible.

How Trauma-Informed Therapy Can Help

At Obsidian Counseling & Wellness, we work with women who carry these invisible wounds. Through a compassionate, trauma-informed approach—often using tools like EMDR, brainspotting, and relational therapy—we help you:

• Reconnect to your feelings without fear or shame

• Unlearn patterns of perfectionism, people pleasing, and self-doubt

• Build healthier, more secure relationships

• Learn to say “no” without guilt—and “yes” to what you really want

• Feel more grounded, clear, and at home in your body

Therapy doesn’t erase the past. It helps you reclaim your present.

You Deserve to Be Seen and Supported

You’ve spent years taking care of everyone else. You’ve been the strong one. The reliable one. The one who keeps it all together.

But now, maybe you're wondering: Who’s taking care of me?

Let this be your reminder:
Your story matters. Your healing matters.
You don’t have to minimize your pain or carry it alone.

When you’re ready, we’re here.

We serve clients across Wilmette, Winnetka, Glenview, Lake Forest, Highland Park, Northbrook, and beyond with virtual and in-person therapy tailored to your needs.

—

Looking for a trauma-informed therapist in the North Shore of Chicago?

At Obsidian Counseling & Wellness, we specialize in supporting women navigating relational trauma, high-functioning anxiety, burnout, and emotional & body disconnection.

#RelationalTrauma #EmotionalNeglect #TherapyForWomen #TraumaInformedTherapy #MentalHealthAwareness #PerfectionismRecovery #NorthShoreTherapist #ObsidianCounseling

Common But Often UNKNOWN Symptoms of Quarantine Stress and Trauma

Being quarantined in our homes for an unknown length of time has been a unique and particular struggle for everyone.  It has required reordering and rethinking our day and taking on additional responsibilities we had never intended.  This is the top worry - the safety of all of our loved ones.

 As a result many, many people are experiencing symptoms of acute stress and trauma and do not know it.  Social media is full of people questioning and bemoaning their lack of progress on projects and even daily chores.  This is because, for many, this is the first time they are experiencing a major traumatic situation.  As a result they do not recognize their behaviors and thoughts for what they are: mental health symptoms.

Common Symptoms of Stress & Trauma Experienced During Quarantine

 Below are some of the most commonly experienced but least recognized symptoms that I have seen people experiencing during this quarantine.  

 If you recognize any of these in yourself or a loved one, please remember this: there is nothing wrong with you! Your brain is doing its absolute best to take care of you.  

1)    Memory loss and memory issues

 Short term memory can be particularly affected.  Memory issues can also include a distorted sense of time wherein time can either crawl or rush past you.

2)    Executive Dysfunction

 The best description I’ve heard for executive dysfunction is “brain buffering.”  You may find yourself thinking of absolutely nothing while at the same time trying to remember what you were just doing.  It can also look like saying to yourself, “I need to get up and do that dishes” and then just sitting there and sitting there while thinking, “Just get up and do the dishes!”  There’s no identifiable reason why you are not getting up.  You just aren’t.

3)    Inability to Make Even Small Decisions

This relates to executive dysfunction and is regularly accomplished by distress or frustration when a person tries to force themselves to make the decision.

4)    “Forgetting” Activities of Daily Living

 Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) are things like eating, showering, putting on clean clothes, using the toilet, etc.  What is actually going on is you’re likely not perceiving the cues from your body asking for these things.  As a result you are “forgetting” to take care of yourself because you are not picking up on the reminders that you’re hungry, or need the bathroom, or really should shower.

5)    Confusion or Brain Fog

 This can also be accompanied by slight dizziness or balance issues.

 6)    Sleep issues

This one is incredibly common.  A person may be sleeping too much or too little, or struggle to fall asleep or stay asleep.  Unspecific bad dreams and nightmares can also happen during times of trauma or acute stress.

 7)    Stomach and food-related issues

 Like sleeping issues a person may begin eating too much or too little.  A person may feel nauseous all the time.  A person can also have no interest in food even when they know they are hungry.

8)    Dissociation

Dissociation is feeling like there is a glass, a film, or a barrier between you and everything else.  Or, between you and your own body. This disconnection happens to stop the trauma memories/thoughts and to lower your fear, anxiety, and shame.

9)    Intrusive Thoughts

These are loops of, usually, bad thoughts.  If you have found yourself thinking the same negative thoughts over and over again, even when you try to think about other things then you are trapped into what is a negative feedback loop.  

Intrusive thoughts can also take the form of negative spiraling thoughts; wherein the first thought might not be too bad but before you know it you have come to the absolute worst case scenario you can possibly imagine.

10) Shortness of breath and heart palpitations

These symptoms are frequently mistaken for a heart attack but are actually common indicators of anxiety or a panic attack.  If you have any doubts, however, call 911.

11)  Auditory Processing Issues

This is experienced as watching someone speak (or listening to music/watching TV) but being unable to understand what they said even if you hear them clearly.

This may be watching someone speak but being unable to understand what they said even if you hear them perfectly.  You may also struggle to separate the conversation you are having from the background noise of a TV or other conversation.

 12) Sounds and Sensations are More Irritating than Normal

This encompasses all of your senses.  It could be forks scraping or birds chirping, or being touched, or feeling a scratchy fabric, or even the sound of silence.  Your brain struggles to fully function until the sound stops.  This can also be recognized by an instant reaction of distress, discomfort, or even anger that is out of proportion to the sensation.

If you are now wondering what you can do about these symptoms below are are links from the Department of Veteran Affairs that provide tips on how to help yourself and loved ones during this time:

Managing Stress Associated with the COVID-19 Virus Outbreak

Helpful Thinking During the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Outbreak

Tips for Providing Support to Others During the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Outbreak

Of course, you can also reach out to a mental health professional.  Many of us are offering video or “telehealth” online counseling sessions during the quarantine.  The thearpists here at Obsidian Counseling & Wellness are ready and eager to help you.